Where the Secrets Flow

Turn it. Turn it. Turn it. Stare at it. Decipher it. Imagine it and search for it.
I am holding my heart in my hands and holding it too violently. If I dont see it now, if I can't catch it now will it be forever lost? Inside the chambers, outside these veins, moves a darker power now, something I've been hunting for - the Truth.

It aint easy and it doesnt solve anything in a fast way like we always want and wait. Truth sets us on fire and it burns slowly. It's a long torment, but oh so necessary. I'm asking myself questions like I have always done, but this time I'm trying to ask all the questions I've been avoiding as far as I can remember.

I have to choose. I have to choose if I will live though these things. I have to ask myself, if I will be that brave. I know I'm not, but I will burn something else in the process than my bravery. I wont name what it will be. It will be what it shall be, simple as that.

The questions that I'm asking regard many things. Myself, my relationships, my ability to stay true to my nature, without braking any laws or my own virtues. The kind of things, that you really can't share with anyone, things you cannot get advices in. These are the matters of heart, dark and temptating, violent and pure. The things that stories are made of.

Well.. I know myself pretty well, comparing to many others, but I have been thinking, if knowing one self can be a hindrance to myself? It could cripple my attempts at many things if I know I'm not likely to succeed. This I need to ponder too. Also, I know what I want and I want it very strongly. But will my depression hold me down? Or my mania feed my crave too much? How to draw a line between those too? I could spend hours and hours doing things, it's only after a great deal of selfcontrol that I can stop doing something, and sometimes I can't get nothing done. Including rising to meet the day.

So this way, asking question I will squeeze my heart untill it tells me the Truth about myself.


The Damage Dealer

You throw a word here and there. Snap one that way, whisper one this way. Suddenly you realize you've been saying things without knowing what they mean and that someone always listens what you say and think they know what you meant. Can't I open my mouth and say things, that I say without feeling constantly tracked down?

I sometimes say things I dont mean in the way others see them. I can't shead light on some things I do, since I hardly keep track at myself every minute. I act, I speak, I stay silent, I stay still. These are random thoughts. They fly in and out and I've been thinking I should investigate them more thoroughly by writing them down. I've been way too silent for my own good. Agues what I really mean by this, is, that there are alot of things I need to say - although I am quite uncapable of saying due to my own cowardice. I'm human, live with it.

So I should speak more. With more sincerity. With more intensity. With more weight than the words that unintentionally slip though my lips. I like to make you all think I'm okay. And I am not. But I'm working on it - slowly. And trying to keep all the pieces in my hands at the same time as I'm jugling on the cords of my heart. It aint easy, it is painfully slow. But I will get there, with the pieces intanct. This time I wont give up.


Bend and Brake

Times are changing. Times are different from what they were. Time will slip by and leave me on the shore, most likely, like they always have.
Well, there are alot of options open and alot of different decisions to make at this time - but I feel reluctant to make any. I'm slipping and sliding across several thoughts, all swarming my head in a way it gets hard to concentrate. What should I do? What should I pursue? Will it suit others, should it? I know, that answer to that will be solid no, but I still have to live by some rules that the society puts on me. Don't I?

Mostly I'm worried I'm not letting myself even try. I fear I will bend and brake when I should just bite my tongue and swallow and follow through the things that I wish to do. So yes, I'm living in a constant fear of failure. Not a foreign feeling for anyone, I'm sure. But me, well.. I should be just so strong and good and all that crap, that I could be everything I want to become in order to succeed in life. Then why all the stress? Am I depressed? Should I find out? I feel like in a great wheel that keeps turning whether I'm ready for it or no.

Am I doomed to be the eternal dreamer that I have been up to this point? With all the potential in the world, and with the work ethics of an sloth? Or no, I'm dishonoring sloths. They are pretty industrious and hard-working sorts. It takes alot of courage to crawl with those silly claws to the river to swim with all the wildlife wanting a piece of your ass, when you hardly can fight for yourself. Only a man can be called lazy, after all.

So, can I become, what I want to be? Can I do it .. This time.