Silence kills - Speaking makes me ill

It's been building up slowly for few weeks now. I hate this feeling. I'm feeling trapped and annoyed by everything. I get angry so easy, just too easily, it can't be right.

I'm asking myself hard questions. I ask myself - can I commit myself to someone? Why do I feel like this after some time has passed. I think I must speak truthfully now - there is no way in hell that anything can be solved if I stay silent, like I always want to - just because speaking makes me ill.

I'm experiencing some pretty heavy relationship anxiety.

He calls, I answer. He speaks, I listen. I speak, he listens. Then I snap, I want to be left alone, I want peace I want room I need to hide. What am I hiding? From who? Why do I get angry? Why do I get this need to isolate myself from people?
I can be perfectly calm - and then suddenly, in only few seconds I'm ready to blow. I know this is so unfair on him and I feel bad I'm like this.

Sometimes I miss him so much, I get the need to see him immediately. Then after 5 minutes I'm just simply put, annoyed and furious and disgusted of the thought that someone would be near me.

Even now, I feel like these words are too cruel. I'm thinking that I must not publish this post. But I think I have to.

I overthink my feelings and maybe get totally lost on the original thing and never find the reason for these maniac feelings. It's crushing my throath. That's how it feels.

Why is this so hard? I don't want to repeat myself but I'm still doing so. What can I do? Am I a fucking emotional hermit that needs to be left alone and in stillnes, or am I damaged somehow, damaged in the between of the many relationships I've had?

I feel I'm not making much sense, so I will stop this ranting to this.

I just hate being honest.